This is an opinion column.
YYou can blame it on autocorrect, spell checking, or just the old lack of spelling skills, but social media continues to be a bottomless pit for unintentional laughs. Here’s my latest series of Facebook foul-ups, with my comments in parentheses:
“I can imagine asbestos, I can retire soon.” (Hopefully not from teaching).
“He left the marks of the accident.” (And I saw him doing it!)
“Our son is about to graduate with honors. I love to see him sore!” (Hopefully he will heal after he gets his diploma).
“If I have to, I’ll take him to the little clam dish!” (Can you secure those clams?)
“I’m kind of sad because today I feel like a little melon collie.” (Haven’t heard of that particular breed).
“The news says the main streets are clear, but the secretaries’ streets are still slippery.” (Secretaries better stay home then!)
“Congratulations to my daughter on winning the spelling bee!” (Please tell me she’s not homeschooled).
“I’ve always hated being in the spelling bee. I knew I was going to lose.” (I bet you were right).
“I’ve been racking my brains, but I can’t remember.” (You might want to take it to the body shop).
“When I was little, my mom gave me castor oil.” (Have you been to Cuba?)
“We played well until the end, but they won with a buzzard bat.” (And there were feathers all over the yard).
“If he doesn’t stop drinking, he’ll end up with liver psoriasis.” (And maybe heart dandruff.)
“I love this girl, she’s a real sweat cake!” (Better not say that to her face).
“Make no mistake, I’ll fire anyone who can’t do the job.” (You may wish to hire a proofreader).
“You should be able to figure that out, it’s not a rocket scientist.” (Who is it then?)
“What a great day for Queen Elizabeth. She’s been on the run for 70 years!” (Long May She Rain).
“Hey, I have some tickets that I can’t use. If you want to go, just give me a massage.” (Okay, but can that wait until after the event?)
“I have a wedding dress for sale. The veal is included.” (I only take the vegetables).
“Have you heard from my husband? He was inducted into the Hall of Fame.” (That’s the happiest indictment ever).
“How will I be able to make ends meet? (I would try a butcher).
“Has anyone heard about his funeral charges?” (I wish the law would leave Uncle Ned alone).
“Has anyone the recipe for the chicken permit?” (Yes, but I don’t have the parmesan to tell you).
“Here are some pictures of my sweet little nephew. He’s six months old.” (That’s great when he turns three, leave minnow).
“Be careful when you buy milk. Always check the inspiration date.” (I’ve looked everywhere for inspired milk).
“You’d better hurry, I’m running out of patients!” (If that happens, your doctor’s office will probably close, right?)
“Woo-hoo, I just got expelled from college!” (Glad they don’t count for spelling).
“Please don’t take a fence when I tell you that.” (Otherwise my cows might get out).
“That teacher said he would drop me.” (Like a big oak tree).
“I say that with all due respect.” (Are you telling?)
“If any of you parents need a night off, I’ll do the baby setting.” (Where do you hire them?)
“My husband is very accident-loving.” (Then whatever you do, don’t let him use a fork).
“This is such a heartbreaking story.” (Did you tell your vet?)
“I love homecoming week. The cheerleaders always throw bombs.” (I would watch from a safe distance).
“Maybe I’ll go back to church. I heard they have a new pasture.” (They need some shade at this time of year).
“He just got out of the hospital with a case of ammonia.” (Good. We can use that to clean the house).
And finally: “Anybody want some apple butter? It’s all homemade.” (I better not comment on that).
There may be more of these pillars down the road. But like Yogi Berra said, I don’t make predictions. Especially when it comes to the future.
David Caroll is a Chattanooga news anchor and author of Volunteer Bama Dawg. Contact him at [email protected].
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